Salsa's Secret To Knowing Your Future Husband: Understanding What You Need
How in the world did we get here?
Oh, that’s right. I realized that God wasn’t just going to drop my husband at my front porch, so I pushed past fear, mustered up faith, got on some dating apps, and then signed up for salsa socials.
You see, I’ve always been pretty clear on the vision I had for my career and lifestyle, but when it came to the vision I had for my future husband and marriage, I had absolutely no clue. I mean, I knew what I liked and what I would want, but I drew blanks on knowing what it is that I needed. If you didn’t know, like I didn’t know, there is a difference.
Wants can always be subject to change and are more like preferences. I may prefer a man in finance, trust fund, 6’ 5” (haha! See what I did there? Never mind if you don’t speak TikTok). Regardless of what it is, wants are like the icing on a cake. They’re great, but they won’t kill the relationship if they aren’t fulfilled. Needs, however, are essential and are the qualities that must be fulfilled for the relationship to last long-term.
And honey, if long-term means forever with no divorce in sight, then we’ve got to get clear on what we need. Amidst my discoveries along my dating journey, I stumbled upon one of life’s best-kept secrets to finding what you need in a man—Salsa Socials.
But before we can get into how to define your husband, we have to get into clarifying you as a wife.
"Wives, submit to your husbands as you do the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church" Ephesians 5:21
The Bible is very clear when it speaks of a woman and when it speaks of a wife. By biblical standards, as God designed marriage, a wife is to be submitted to her husband.
If that statement makes you start itching, that means we had the same reaction!
As the first-born daughter to a West African family and a high-achieving Type A personality, there are a lot of things that I can do by myself and a lot of things I know how to do.
When I went to the Salsa Socials at Renegade, VA, the first part of the class was done individually to get familiar with the moves. Because I love and know how to dance, that part was a walk in the park! But once they paired us up with partners, it wasn’t so easy anymore.
Salsa is a dance traditionally between a woman and a man and led by the male partner. As they dance, the man guides the woman to move through various leadings. This could be the direction where his shoulder opens or where he holds out his hand. None of this is spoken, by the way! All of it is felt and observed with the man making the first move. So that meant if my partner wasn’t moving, I would be standing there waiting!
It seems like in the female sphere nowadays, there’s a demand for soft-life that echoes a princess mentality and a desire to position men back as the providers so that women can “rest in their femininity.” While I don't agree with all the opinions out there, I do see one commonality—that women want men who can care for and protect them. But if that’s truly what we want, then we need to give them space to do that. Which led me to the question: when he is in the position to lead, are we women who can, in fact, be led?
We often want things that we’re not ready for. If you think you’re ready for a biblical marriage and the benefits of it, but you struggle with the idea and understanding of submission, then maybe we need to take a step back first. Because the truth is my “Do It Myself” mentality works well as a single woman, but it doesn’t work well in a partnership (as I quickly learned in my Salsa Class), let alone a marriage.
Funny enough, those moments waiting for my dance partner to get the steps right taught me humility, patience, and self-control. It challenged me to evaluate if I am a woman that can be led.
As God has graciously walked me through how to become that kind of wife and a couple more salsa classes in, it became more apparent the kind of qualities to look for in a husband and three personality types to avoid like the plague.
The man who’s obsessed with getting it right
This is the man who’s so busy looking down at his feet to make sure his footwork is working, he’s not even paying attention to you! In a dance meant to be done by two, he’s dancing solo. So he’ll miss out on cues in the routine to lead you into the next step and set his obsession on perfecting where he thinks he’s failing. You won’t even get to the rest of the dance because he just can’t move on! In the end, you’ll probably get three steps in before having to switch partners again, and I’m sure he’ll be stuck at that same part with the next woman.
Revelation: Get you a man whose identity is rooted in God, so when failures come, he’s not tempted to make them his identity. He acknowledges your presence and values your input—to dance this dance called life with him.
The man who thinks he’s doing it right
This is the man who’s moving along to his own beat. The dance instructor clearly lays out the routine, but instead of asking questions when he’s unsure of something, he makes up his own moves. To avoid looking like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’ll keep on moving and expect you to follow him (even though you both know what the instructor said).
Revelation: Get you a man who can be humble enough to ask for help. He understands what you two are building is too valuable to be led down the wrong path just because he cannot swallow his pride.
The man who is doing it right and knows you’re not doing it right but doesn’t know how to or have the patience to teach you to do it right
This man will leave you with blisters on your feet from spinning you around and complicated footwork (seriously, I had real blisters!). He will zoom past everything, and if you’re too slow, he’ll leave you in the dust. Because he doesn’t know how to or could care less about meeting you where you are and being patient enough to walk you through what you don’t know, he’ll cover it up with all his pizazz to make himself look competent to others. God forbid you mess up his image because, at the end of the day, he’s got to look good even if you don’t.
Revelation: Get you a man who’s selfless enough to understand the two become one. Your loss is his loss, and your win is his win! So if he’s winning, he’ll cause you to win too. He treats you as if you were his own body and can love you the same (Ephesians 5:28-33).
After a long night of spinning around and stepping on toes, I had to take a break to rest my feet! As I panned the dance floor with the live band playing, I was elated by the pure joy in the air. There were all types of styles and manners of dance. Some partners looked better together than others, and some preferred to keep dancing by themselves.
I took another sip of my drink to cool myself, and a hand reached out to me as a request to dance.
Mr. Right may be the one you least expected
I took his hand and laughed a little as he led me to the dance floor. This small, old man was the cutest and most unexpected dance partner, but he made the experience the most enjoyable. He slowed down his pace for me so that I could learn the moves I kept missing. He handled me gently, leading me through the movement step by step. When I messed up, he’d position me back in alignment. He spoke no English, and I unfortunately didn’t know Spanish. But with a dance communicated with no words, what was a language barrier? He’d simply communicate with a gentle nudge on where to go, and I would follow. He’d add in an extra spin and razzle-dazzle when he saw I was ready for it. When we danced, we looked like one unit. Our dance almost looked as effortless as the other experts on the dance floor. He was the greatest teacher of the night and the best dance partner I had.
When the night ended and I walked back to my car, I realized that the best dance partners I had were the most unexpected. “Don’t judge a book by its cover” couldn’t have been more true. It wasn’t like they were men I’d be attracted to normally or even thought would be into something like salsa! But they were open enough to simply enjoy the process and to enjoy it with me.
And if anything, that’s the biggest dating tip Salsa taught me—find you a man who will enjoy the process with you.
I think it’s interesting because the process will always reveal what’s in our hearts. Whether we’ll become impatient and find unruly shortcuts or be able to keep our kindness while waiting patiently. That’s why God is constantly putting us through a process—to refine and purify us. If I want to discover more of what I need in a man, then his heart is what I should be paying attention to and not just his outward appearance, where my wants and my preferences lie.
His heart is where you’ll find what you need, and your heart is where he’ll find what he needs. (So don’t forget to work on your own heart as well!)
So how about putting this to the test?? There are a ton of Salsa Socials around the DMV area but my favorite is Salsa Mondays at The Renegade VA. They have a live band play and a dance tutorial right before social dance starts. Tickets range from $15-20. Try it and let us know what you think! Happy Dating!
