Singleness, Breakups, and Dating- Part 1

Shock and denial. Pain and guilt. I feel like I’m not just at one. I feel like I’m at both and. Can I be both and? How’d the 5 stages of grief even expand to 7? Doesn’t matter, I guess the 7 resonates better anyway so I’ll go with that one.

You know I never asked to be here, right? Nowhere on my forehead did it say “desires to be broken up with.” In fact, God you knew I was hesitant to get back out in these dating streets in the first place! But then we addressed the insecurities, did a lot of unlearning (especially about society's definitions of what makes a woman valuable enough to date/marry), embraced my true value in You, and became confident in the new me and all I had to offer.

I even wrote down a list like everyone says a girl should. I mean, I was fine settling for “God, I want whoever you want for me”, but you knew that was really me using religion to hide my fears and doubts. Did I really believe the man I dreamed of existed? More so, Did I really believe that God would do it, and would exceed my expectations?

I had no idea where to start with what I wanted in a godly man. So far, he was a dream that I couldn’t seem to articulate. But it ended up that 31 Prayers For my Future Husband was a phenomenal place to begin. Funny enough, it was a book someone else I dated gave me. Don’t know where he was trying to go with that notion but good thing I never threw the book away, huh?

On every page I coined each prayer as if it were written from my hands until I had enough bravery to wean into desires of my own. And when I sought out evidence of godly men who mirrored those prayers I was in aw to find out they truly do exist. Episode after episode of Dear Future Wifey w/ Laterras R. Whitfield, sermons from Pastors Toray and Sarah Roberts, books like #relationshipgoals by Pastor Mike and The Man God Has For You by Stephan Labossiere, and dating experiments with the Azonwu’s fed my faith continually. With every prayer journaled I allowed excitement and hope to flutter inside me.

Now when I actually took the leap out of the pages of my prayer journal and into dating men in the real world, that was a different story. The reality was either a ratio of 20 women to one man at church or cowardly whispers of “can I be your friend?” passing as I walked by. But! I was overflowing with hope and resolved that if my husband was going to find me in these ghetto dating streets, I would make it as easy for him to do so. Online was the last frontier so I gave room for every dating app but Tinder to eat up the last of the storage on my phone.

I endured many storms and tribulations, dry conversations, questionable characters, and gave more side eyes than I can count! Nonetheless, I was still grateful for it. It trained my eyes to see red flags from a distance and to know when the man was not mine.

By the way God if you remember, I didn’t date in secret this time either. No sir, I was not going to repeat the mistakes of the past- playing wifey to men who were just as ignorant of what it meant to be a husband, convincing myself that my body would make them stay, believing that what we had was love when truly it was codependency. No sir, I know what dating in darkness brought- pain, trauma, bondage. I definitely was not going that route again.

From when you pulled me into your light God, now unashamed and free, I saw no reason to hide any area of my life from You. So this time, I let errybody know my business (well, atleast to those I trusted to mentor me) Every “he said” “she said” was accounted for, and my community continued to train my eyes until one day… I saw green!

He was the most beautiful green flag I’d ever seen. Every prayer I prayed after that, not once did I hear You say “stop”. So I kept going and one date turned into 11 blissful months with the man of my list! And now….

We’re here- wondering what to do with a break up I never asked for and figuring out what stage of grief I’m in so I can apparently “stop avoiding” and start healing.

I hate this. I truly do. I so badly want to skip to the part where everything is great and good. But as you often have the habit of doing Lord, you correct my thoughts. As the good Father You are you won’t allow me to live a lie, to mask my wounds as healed when it’s clear that I’m bleeding.

But who wants to listen to a bleeding blogger who talks about how to get to the things we hope for when Things Hoped For can only happen after the wounds become invisible, right? And I don’t know how long this healing process is going to take and that scares the crap out of me because if it looks anything like the last post-breakup process with another 4 year time stamp on it, I don’t want it! God, I’m turning 30 this year! Nobody has time for a 4 year healing process when this time I did it your way.

I trusted You. And yet, I feel you beckoning me to trust You again. To trust that this was not all for nothing and to trust that all of my steps are ordered by You and it will lead to something great.

You God, are the best healer I know and You know my heart better than anyone. If I want this heart of mine to be healed the right way, I have to surrender the notion that I can heal it myself- by avoiding, by deflecting, or by just letting time pass. I know the truth. Time doesn’t heal all. You do. So, here it is, all 7200 pieces of my broken heart.

Where do we go from here?

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Part 2 coming Soon.

Much love,

Nyorh Agwe