Overcoming Conflicting Habits
My enneagram results basically told me I’m obsessed with being successful. Talkin bout’ my “deepest fear is failure” and I cope with that by “looking for ways to win in life- constantly keeping myself busy in order to reassure myself that I’m valuable.” Can you believe that?!
Pssshhh, who am I kidding- it’s true. And you know what other toxic trait we can throw on top of that? If I didn’t see success in something I was doing (and quickly) I’d drop it for something that I know I would be successful at just so I could continue to feed the reassurance of my worth. It could be why I’m a tad bit impulsive. It could also be why I can be impatient at times. And it could also be what’s stunting the growth of my seed.
Inconsistency.
Wow. I think I just had a full-circle moment right there. And it’s funny how “consistency” has inconsistently been my word of the year for 3 years straight. Honestly, what’s keeping me stuck? Why do I keep doing the things I don’t want to do and not doing the things I know will move me forward?
Questions I often ask myself but I know I’m not alone. I know these questions haunt you just as much as they haunt me, and you know what? The great Apostle Paul wasn’t so different either. In Romans 7:15 Paul says, “I do not understand my own actions. I do not practice what I want to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” And I’m with you, Paul! I too, don’t understand my own actions! Yet, for some reason, I have in my head that whatever I do I will do it perfectly and on the first try. (Crazy I know, but that’s truly what I think sometimes!) So my problem has never been creating good habits- it’s been maintaining them.
I’ll start off great, then fall into a habit loop of making one bad decision, which leads to more bad decisions, which then leads to my firsts up to the clouds yelling “O, what a wretched and miserable (wo)man that I am!” (Romans 7:24)
It’s safe to say that this blog is not to tell you 3 successful tips for habits because I’m…still working on the “successful” part. But this blog is to share 3 thoughts God had me wrestle with about overcoming the habit of inconsistency within myself. My hope is that it will encourage you and keep you on the journey long enough to reach the breakthrough you’ve also been wanting to see in yourself.
1. HUMBLE YOURSELF. YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN
You ever planned something in your head to go one way then you do it and it goes the complete opposite way? I don’t know if it’s a by-product of being the eldest in an achievement-driven household but for some reason, I developed an expectation of perfect performance in all things, especially out of myself. When I hop on that scale every morning, I expect that number to go down and keep going down. But anyone who’s consistently trained as an athlete will tell you that there is no such thing as a linear progression. Progress will always fluctuate.
Going into changing a habit thinking we’re going to get everything right, every day every time is going into it asking to be disappointed. Truthfully, it’s a dishonest view of ourselves as human beings. And it was going into change with that mindset that quickly had me inconsistent and reluctant to pick up the ball when (not if) I dropped it.
What’s an honest view of ourselves as humans? That we’re flawed. In fact, both the bible and science will tell us that our human nature is anything but perfect let alone good. Even Paul says that “the willingness of good is in me but the doing of good is not.”
That’s because there are 2 natures within us- one that desires to do good and one that desires to do evil. But because humanity was born into sin, deceit and wickedness are what our hearts draw more naturally to (Jeremiah 17:9). Nevertheless, good still lives within us because we were originally made in the image of God. These 2 natures scrap more than Tom & Jerry and both have an agenda for dominance in our body.
This is why pure willpower may not be enough to maintain your effective habits. Neither will your own strength, your imagination, or your affirmations. You’re only human. You're not a super machine and you will not do everything perfectly. In fact, thinking that we will may mean we have more pride in ourselves and our capabilities than we out to.
Release the expectations you put on yourself. Release the expectations others put on you. Release desiring the praise you would’ve gotten if you did it perfectly. Release the self-praise. Release your pride. Sing it like you do “You Won’t Break My Soul” and release that thing! Why? Because it will release you from burdens you were never meant to carry by yourself and free you up to actually execute.
On the real, ya’ll our human nature keeps us humble and holds us from boasting of ourselves. If we can sit in that then God will raise us. It’s the proud He resists but to the humble He gives grace (James 4:6) and lifts them up (James 4:10). And God will lift you to higher heights than you could ever reach on your own.
2. IT'S MORE THAN REACHING A GOAL. IT'S REACHING A GENERATION.
If you have yet to pick up the book Atomic Habits, you need to go ahead, open up a separate tab, and get your order right now. Like…now. The author, James Clear, shares that an easy and proven way to build good habits and break bad ones is to attach habits to an identity rather than to a goal.
He shares 4 problems with having goal-oriented/outcome-based habits-
Winners and losers have the same goals.
Achieving a goal is only a momentary change.
Goals restrict happiness
Goals are at odds with long-term progress
Now, we don’t have time to deep dive into each on this blog or we’re going to be here forever. But I do want to step into problem number 2 a bit more. One day, we’ll reach our goals. (yay!) And…then what? Because once a goal is accomplished, we lose the thing that motivated us to keep our new habits. That right there is why Clear says “many people find themselves reverting to their old habits after accomplishing a goal.” (Atomic Habits, pg. 26)
So the author’s method of building habits is identity-based rather than outcome-based. For example, the goal is not “to lose 10-15 lbs before my birthday”, the goal is “to become an athlete.” One is about achieving for a moment and the other is about achieving for a lifetime.
Can I tell you that God wants to set you up to win for a lifetime and not just for a moment?! The God of Israel is about establishing a thing forever. He is an eternal God and eternity is always on His mind. He told Abraham in Genesis 12:2 that He would make him a great nation and He would bless him and make his name great. As children of Abraham, we can hold to that same promise. And to those who keep His covenant and steadfast love, God is faithful to them a thousand generations (Deuteronomy 7:9). A thousand!!
The habits you’re developing now aren’t just for a better life for you, but so that you can partner with God in breaking generational curses in your family and the families that follow after you. It’s not just so that thang can sit right in your birthday dress, it’s so that you can break gluttony, harmful self-talk, mental illness, nutrition-based diseases… I mean that may not be your story, but there is something that God is raising you to break and set free in the generations He will birth through you.
That’s why breakthrough change isn’t going to come in seconds. Because God’s not trying to give you a microwavable blessing! And I think we become inconsistent with our habits when we keep the minute view that our habits only affect us. However, you move differently when you know that you’re responsible for other people- when you know that the freedom of others rides on you conquering this thing. When you know that your great granddaughter has a lower chance of struggling financially if you’re consistent with wealth-building habits now. He desires for what you do on the earth to be established and remembered. He has eternity in mind for you and I believe we’d become more consistent if we had eternity in mind for ourselves too.
3. DYING IS AN EVERY-SECOND DECISION
I really do think pride is a major blocker to building a habit of consistency. And it’s a sneaky little thing too! Alright, let me not talk about you, let me talk about myself- when I establish a new habit, say, for example, meal prepping dishes that meet my fitness goals, I go strong for about 3 days. And I’ll be so proud of myself for keeping up those 3 days that when I open up the fridge and there lies something delicious and tantalizing that I know I shouldn’t reach for, I think to myself, “well, Nyorh you’ve been doing good so far, one plate of this won’t hurt!” “Reward yourself, you’ve been working so hard! And you know you’re disciplined, you’ll get right back on it. You’ll work it out anyway, it’s just one time.”
And the thoughts happen so quickly that I don’t even know I’m midway putting the food in my mouth by the time the discussion in my head is over! Here’s the thing with habits that can be both a blessing and a frustration: habits are our brain's way to make our lives easier, automating a solution to a problem that we face. And every time that the same problem arises, our brain repeats the solution so much so that it creates a new groove in our cerebral cortex. Thus, a habit is formed. For example, when you walk into a dark room what’s the first thing you do? Turn on the light! See, you do it so much and without thinking that you didn’t even know it was a habit.
It’s almost subconscious! And what I’ve realized is that another reason we can’t be consistent with our habits is that we don’t realize the power of an atomic decision. Habits (whether good or bad) compound. Each decision intensifies and influences the next. That’s why my one bad decision of eating something I know I wasn’t supposed to eat, leads to making another exception on my next meal, then on my next workout, and then I end my week the same way I started it- with no results.
But how do we even fix something that we do subconsciously?!?! By becoming more conscious about them. Romans 8:13 says that putting to death the sinful deeds of the body must be a habitual decision. It must be an everyday decision. It must be an every-hour decision. It must be an every-minute decision. It must be an every-second decision.
I can tell you now that within the few minutes between me opening the fridge to me putting the food in my mouth were over 5 micro-decisions that I could’ve put to death with ease before it became a bigger thing I’d have to put to death with more struggle. I don’t think any of us wants to deal with resurrected problems! But maybe those problems would stay dead if we made dying to self a micro-decision and not just an act saved for the major moments. Like, let’s make the shift when phone time with bae goes passed innocent flirting rather than when clothes are off in the back of his car. Because then we sit in shame, guilt, and frustration saying to ourselves “here we are at square one again”-reluctant to try once more. And friend, that’s where the enemy wants you. That’s why he sent that lie to you in the first place- the one of “It’s just one time, it won’t hurt you.” Knowing that if you do it once, you’ll do it again and your cycle of inconsistency will continue.
But that’s not how your story has to end. Because the God of Israel is a cycle breaker, and in Him, all can find freedom from the bondage of sin! Paul couldn’ve ended his letter with his cry in Romans 7:24 knowing that in himself there was no escape from his inconsistencies. But he didn’t end there, because He had an experience with the Savior that rewrote his story. He knew that through Jesus Christ, salvation and grace are given to all who believe in Him. He knew that those who believed would receive power through a new spirit, God’s Holy Spirit, to break the chains that bind them. Nor would they have to endure guilt and shame because in Jesus, there is now no condemnation (Romans 8:1).
Maybe you’ve noticed too, that for some of our habits a “just do it” mentality just isn’t enough. We need power to overcome, and God wants to give us that power! In Acts 1:8, the bible tells us that God gives us His power through the Holy Spirit. What is the Holy Spirit? More like a who! He is the spirit of God that lives within us. He is our comforter (John 15:26), our teacher (John 14:26), and our counselor instructing us on the way to live this life effectively and with power. And where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17) Freedom from your inconsistencies. Freedom from your bondage. Freedom from your conflicting habits.
If you know you need power to overcome, just ask God for His Spirit. The Bible said that there’s no good gift He would not give to those who ask Him (Matthew 7:11). There doesn’t need to be a special moment. No stage lights flashing. No alter call. Just you and God. Don’t make this decision an inconsistent one. If you know you need the power of the Holy Spirit as we all do, ask for Him and you will receive Him.
I’m grateful you landed on this blog today and I praise God for what will take place in your life with His magnificent power in you! I want to celebrate you and be praying for you so please feel free to hit me up in my inbox or stop by and say hi on IG @thngshopedfor.
Until next time!
Much Love,
Nyorh
